This year has been what I may refer to as satisfying.
Of course filled with ups and downs, I can't help but to be so grateful for everything I have. A lot has changed. Things that once felt close seem to be stretching away past arms length and other things feel more solid and full of potential then I have ever experienced before. I am experiencing a true shift in age and awareness. I am really very excited to be in my mid twenties and I know it will just keep getting better from here. I actually feel like a woman now, and I see women around me of all ages as my peers. It helps that I am on the other side of dummies, nappies and teething toddlers. I loooove my little girls and it excites/scares my pants off how clever and independent they are becoming. I love that Poppy comes home and tells me about her day, and that she calls me out on mistakes and often tempered moments. But I love also that she needs to hold my hair when going to sleep some nights or her sensitivity to the new experiences that she has on her own at school with a bunch of all different little human beings. It breaks and warms my heart when she sobs to me that she doesn't want to tell on her friends for sneaking the little crystals they find in the sandpit, home in their pockets and shoes. And that she always puts her found treasures into the 'shared basket'. Or that she was so upset the other day because she kept getting into trouble for announcing that she just 'fluffed'. I gently told her that maybe not everyone wants to be informed for this at such regular intervals. Mind boggling I know. She is so clever and creative and draws these amazing pictures of mermaids and animals (dogs are her favourite). I am quite smug about her love of drawing I will admit. And then there is Elk, now 4 years old with her little french bobbed curls and favourite dresses. Sam blames me, and of course I can't deny the outcome of this, but I will testify that I do lay out all sorts of garments and sometimes yeah sure the alien drummer boys pj pants will go on without a fuss while I hold my breath and distract distract distract! But most times the item will end up over the otherside of the room with a little 'humph' and turned up nose. #threecheersforautority I love how Elk constantly surprises me with big words used in all the right places, though she is still getting her tongue around the 'L' instead of 'W' (eg. Poppy's friend "Wiwwy) but it doesn't stop her from chatting away as I stamp on peoples feet they smirk and ask her to repeat the 'cute thing she said'. (Sam) The way a child just has a go at language is very inspiring for me as I run hot and cold in my attempts to learn French. But hey, Elk and Poppy don't even hesitate when I say 'mains' when they need to wash their hands or 'bouche' when they have pasta sauce all over their mouth. Yes very basic, but hey, we are getting there. I have my Showcase in 5 days time and the last couple weeks have been admittedly full of confusing as to why on earth I 'need' to do a show. The traditional kick of why am I not moooore organised I have had like 7 months. But you know what, I am! I am excited and I am stoked the girls are too. Shout out to Designer Q for the near-enough-to-appropriate timing for the show to be on so they girls can come along and be a part of the end result after experiencing mummy stomping around the house off and on for months with the crankies for lack of sleep and down time. I may have mistakenly mentioned they can dress up in something fun and was bombarded with voluminous tutu requests. Poppy of course want a dog top. Elk wants a sparkle party. I have figured a lot out in the last 2 years about myself and I feel lighter every day. I have begun calling myself an Artist again, and its changed everything for me. I can't believe I forgot. I have learnt I don't have to be 'something' OR 'something'. I don't have to be a Creative OR Good Mother. I don't have to be an Artist OR Business Woman. I don't have to choose, I can be both, or everything. The lighter I feel and the more blocks I remove, the more I feel like I can add to my week. I now know and am in practice of acknowledgement to the moments when I know I probably should send those emails, but it is time for Lucy to pick up a paintbrush, or doodle some crayons with the girls. I know when it is the day that I need to spend majority of my time in bed with the door closed. I am happy to say that I actually didn't die when going to bed without experiencing some form of addictive Netflix binge. It was very hard. I have written about it. In the last 6 months I have attended school volunteer meetings, volunteered my time in FestiValley, working bees and baked at the school food market. I have cooked meals for friends, designed, sewed, photographed, fitted a 12 look collection, I have written over 500 pages of writing. I have been given the best book in the world (The Artist Way) and have dedicated time to it and my growth as and Artist. I have listened to 200+ podcast episodes (easily) and dressed some of my muses. I have calmed crying children and cooked a few too many baked bean meals. I have buried my childhood friend, Nina. I have grown some really wonderful friendships that I can't believe I lived without. I have been seeing my counsellor Linda, for about two years now and feel like I am mean to be exactly where I am. Excited to keep it coming. x Lucy ps. I am not editing a thing as I want to keep the ball rolling, so I don't stop and question whether it is rolling nicely enough.
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September 2018
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